LOVING
THROUGH CONFRONTATION
A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each other the silent
treatment. During this time the man realized that he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM the next
day for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00
AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
It would have served this guy well to
have heeded to what the Bible tells us in Ephesians..."do
not let the sun go down while you are still angry"
Unresolved conflict heats up the intensity of future
conflicts therefore it is imperative that we resolve
anger.
RESOLVING CONFLICT
REQUIRES LOVING CONFRONTATION.
It always helps to do a little introspection before
we confront:
- Evaluate yourself: your motivation
and attitude. Will what you want to say or do build
or break the relationship?
- Evaluate the circumstances: is it
the right time, is it the right place, are there other
pressures that lie at the root of the conflict?
- Evaluate whether you are willing
to accept confrontation as well as give it.
In his book, "Caring Enough To
Confront" Dr. David Augsberger coined the phrase
- "Carefronting" to describe what I think
the Bible means by 'speaking the truth in love!' It
says - 'because I love you I want to hear your truth,
but because I love you I also want you to hear my truth.'
Carefronting is done when we relate our own feelings
in a volatile situation through giving "I"
messages instead of attacking the other person. "I
really felt rejected when you turned your back on me
at the party" vs. "you always cut me out when
we are with other people." This does not come naturally;
attacking each other comes much more naturally and has
dire consequences because we wound and destroy each
other with our words. Practice to send "I"
messages.
Following are a few helpful hints to use when we want
to confront each other in love:
Focus on:
one issue at a time, don't just fire away at your partner
the problem not the person
specifics, do not generalise - "you never...",
"you always…", avoid using these words
expression of feelings and not judgment of character
the facts not judgment of motives
gaining understanding not winning or losing the argument.
"Arguing is a game two can play
at but it is a strange game in that no-one ever wins."
Benjamin Franklin
For help with conflict resolution contact FamilyLife
082 386 0986 or info@familylife.org.za
or visit www.familylife.org.za
.The article that precedes this one is Understand
by Listening and the one that follows is
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