UNDERSTAND BY LISTENING
On a windswept hill in an English country
churchyard stands a drab, grey slate tombstone on which
the faints words can still just be distinguished:
BENEATH THIS STONE, A LUMP OF CLAY,
LIES ARABELLA YOUNG,
WHO, ON THE TWENTY-FOURTH OF MAY,
BEGAN TO HOLD HER TONGUE.
Let this never be said of us!! As we
said previously, our goal in communicating is to gain
understanding; understanding comes as we learn how to
listen so we can understand as well as how to talk so
that we are understood.
We will start to experience oneness
and intimacy in marriage when we begin listening to
each other. You might have taken a course in public
speaking, I would however take a bet that the chance
that you have taken a course in listening is naught!
Poor listening habits show up in different
forms:
- We can fake it - you're there but
not really there. Do you remember how your little
one used to take your face in their hands and turn
it to face them "Mommy/daddy look at me!"
Well, I'm sure many a wife or husband would like to
do the same.
- We are selective in our listening.
We all listen 5x faster than anyone can talk - you
may be putting your shopping list together while husband
is talking or during an argument you may listen only
until you hear a debatable point - "Aha! Weak
reasoning there. I'll nail her to the wall on that
one. What's her next point? Aha, got her again."
No need to say no true listening is taking place here!
- "Give me the bottom line. What
exactly is the issue?" There are times when we
don't want to hear and then rather give our partners
a cold shoulder or become hot under the collar!.
For understanding to occur we must learn
to put away our poor listening habits and give our partners
our undivided attention.
There is a great need for focussed attention
when we do try and communicate and the best way to do
that is eyeball to eyeball - looking the other person
in the eye while they are talking to us! It is advisable
to sometimes first check with the other whether the
time is right before a person starts 'baring their soul'!
Active listening accepts and understands!
Now it is true that we sometimes feel we'll never understand
each other, but if we know that there is a genuine attempt
or a desire to really understand, it goes a far way
towards attaining intimacy and oneness in marriage.
Gain all the skills to become a better
listener and so lessen conflict and make your marriage
affair-proof! Arabella Young waited too long, why don't
you attend a FamilyLife Marriage Conference. Register
on our web page www.familylife.org.za
or e-mail us at info@familylife.org.za
. The article which precedes this one is Pre-requisites
for Good Communication…. And the one that comes
after this is Loving while Confronting
- Listening doesn’t mean merely hearing, it means
connecting with another. |
